Tired

Ever feel like you're being pulled in so many directions that you're not able to be good at anything?

I used to think that I did my best when I was super busy. I also thought that the only thing I did really well was my job, but even now that's starting to slump. I'm just so tired.

I feel like something is wrong with me. I just don't know how to get out of this funk. When I think about doing things, almost anything, I just procrastinate, hoping it never comes.

The first thing I want to be better at is being a wife. I've been a terrible wife lately. All naggy and not very supportive. What husband does well under that?

I also have been stinking at my main job, being a mom. Ryan drives me CRAZY! And I know part of that is not spending good quality time with him. The other part is I am just tired. When you're tired, patience is thin.

Cleaning in my house is pretty much non-existent. I do laundry when it needs to be done. I wipe down the counters and table every day and I do dishes every day. That's about it. This house needs a good vacuuming and mopping and bathroom cleaning.

For work, I am three projects behind. I am also two videos behind. I am also giving up doing the blog advertising to someone else because I just know that I am not doing as good as I should be. Right this very moment, I should be working, making a cute hanging decoration for our front door, but I just want to sleep. But I can't sleep because I should start making dinner.

The only thing that I am consistent at right now is making dinner. We have a good dinner every night. We eat at 7 pm usually, but at least we eat and we eat at the table.

I just hate this funk. I don't feel like myself at all. There is so much I want to do, but I just can't make myself do it. I used to get so mad at Jared when he would act this way. I couldn't understand it at all. Now I feel bad, because I understand and it's miserable.

Is something wrong with me? Is it just Stay-At-Home-Mom blues? When will it pass over? Because I'd really like to be myself again.

Tried and Failed... Or Did I?

I decided one day that the way to spend less time on the computer was to not allow myself to get on until the house was cleaned. And when Brady was awake, I would spend time with both the boys. Well I wasn't getting on the computer until after lunch. Which isn't terrible. But for some reason, the time I thought I would be spending cleaning was spent just with the boys. That isn't terrible either. So everything should be wonderful right?

Well after three days of this I found myself an emotional wreck. I asked Jared to come home early one day because I just couldn't take it. Ryan and I were bickering. (Trying to potty train may have had something to do with it.) But mostly I was DYING for some time to myself.

Later I wondered if I NEED my 5 minute break here and there on the computer. That that is what gets me through the day. Then I thought... or maybe it's just my addiction showing through. And then I thought... really? I can look at this situation without trying to make myself feel guilty, right? Being on the computer isn't like an addiction to drugs or alcohol. It brings me something that every human being needs. A break here and there! :) And a way to connect to others when I am holed up in the house with a potty training toddler.

The next day I went back to my old ways and it was one of the best days I had in awhile. I got a lot more done than I had the previous days, Ryan and I got along wonderfully, and I was happy.

Some people say our first priority is our children. Others say our first priorities should be ourselves and then our children. That if mom isn't happy, then how could she help her children be happy. I never understood that until last week. It is SO true!

I am not saying that I am perfect with my time management, but it seems to me that letting myself get on facebook or check a blog once every couple hours keeps my sanity in check, which makes me happier and helps everyone around me be happier.

Who knew? :)

Conference

I LOVE conference!

And I really really really needed it.

I was fortunate that Ryan takes a nap in the afternoon so I could really listen to the afternoon session.

I have been thinking for awhile that I miss how close I was to the Lord when I was in college before I was married. I almost wished for a trial so I could have the need to reach out to Him. Then in church the other day I realized that I do.

I am not saying that this need is a trial, but I do need my Heavenly Father. Motherhood is something extremely difficult to say the least. Throw in a 2 1/2 year old with endless energy and smarts that drive you crazy and you are in awe off and it's hard.

I've told people that I've been defeated for awhile. I have had lots of book recommendations (which, it's the beginning of the month so I can get my hands on some!) and full intentions of reading them and trying some strategies out.

But what I realized in church is that Motherhood isn't just taking care of a child. It is a calling that has been bestowed on us by Heavenly Father. Books are great, but I need to be going to my Heavenly Father for direction. I need to be sharing with him all my thoughts and feelings. I need to be praying more often, reading the scriptures more often, serving more often. Doing things that can bring me closer to the Lord so I can be ready for guidance in this amazing calling.

In conference today there was a talk by a general authority. He said that in hard times we shouldn't be looking down, discouraged, but upwards towards our Father in Heaven. For in him we may find peace, strength, and joy in whatever comes our way. He had been feeling the burden of being a general authority. He was heading down the elevator with his head down. The door opened and a man walked in. The general authority didn't even look up. Just kept his head down. Just then President Monson asked the general authority what he was looking at on the floor? The general authority said, "Oh, nothing." President Monson then said, "In times like these, we need to be looking upward." Then he left the elevator. (Of course I am totally paraphrasing this story! :)

It's such a basic concept, but I truly have lost it since becoming a mother. I am so tired at night that I roll into bed. And in the morning, I don't get out of bed until one of the kids is screaming for me. Prayers just don't seem right then. But these are just excuses. And I've realized that excuses do not excuse activities that bring us closer to the Lord. We NEED him. These excuses would be made lighter if we did these things that we are trying to excuse.

Anyway, I kind of went off on a tangent, but my point is that I went into this conference with a prayer in my heart that I could be taught more about motherhood and what I should do. I had four talks that really touched me in just one session. I missed two other talks so there could have been more. :)

In the first session, Ryan was awake and I didn't get much of anything. I had to go upstairs and feed Brady and missed the announcement of the temples, which was such a bummer! I can't believe the Provo Tabernacle is being rebuilt as a temple! Two temples in Provo and one coming in Payson. Absolutely amazing. Ryan was being rambunctious (upset that I had the TV on for me and it wasn't playing MarioKart), but at the end, the Tabernacle Choir sang "I am a Child of God." I had tears streaming down my face. We sing this song so often, but the words "Lead me, Guide me, Walk beside me. Help me find the way. Teach me all that I must do to live with him someday," really touched my heart. I am yearning for that guidance and that support. I know that if I ask and if I prepare myself to receive such blessings, it will happen. I had this warm feeling still with me when the second session started.

First I heard a talk on Parenthood. It was something that softened my heart. This speaker talked about how it is a commandment to multiply and replenish the earth. The choice to have children is only made between a man, woman, and the Lord. We should never judge others' choices in these matters. I admit that I may have said something about how close people have their children or how they could even afford them or how they may afford them but only because of government help. In the past, this had made me upset. But now I realize that these are means which help children come into the world. I'm not saying people should have tons of babies and never get out of poverty, but that I need to trust that people have their own revelations and it is certainly not my place to judge them.

Also from this talk was a quote from President Monson. He said that in times when a couple has to scrimp and save is one of the best time of their life. They learn and go to their Heavenly Father for support and build strong testimonies during this time of trial. Jared and I waited to have children until we were done with school. I don't regret that decision. I know that if we were supposed to have children earlier, we would have. If we did, we would have had to work harder and be more grateful for smaller things. And who is to say that is bad?

This also gave me perspective on our circumstances now. School loans and car debt weigh heavily on us. "If only..." is a phrase we use often. :) We have done everything we can to increase our payments, but it will be awhile before they are all paid off. We get to the end of the month and ask, "Where did all our money go?" We don't feel we are excessive in our spending, but perhaps we really need to cut back. We have decided to start a cash budget. This will be for things that we certainly don't NEED so when we run out of the cash, we're done. It's going to be very interesting! :) We will save money in the beginning of the month and hopefully we won't run out of money by the end. If we do, then we need to cut some things that might not be needs. We have faith that if we set up the budget and follow it, being accountable to each other, we'll be okay. We will grow from this.

Amazing what you can get out of a talk on Parenthood, right? :)

The next talk was on time. This general authority was speaking directly to me. I have not been very good at managing my time. I do farely well, but with how busy I am, I need to be a lot better. Sometimes the things that are most important in my life are lower on my priority list. Lately Ryan will come up to me on the computer, pull on my arm, and say, "Mom, stop working!" That just breaks my heart. I still need to work, but the free time that I do have needs to be spent with more focus on him.

This general authority directly talked about phones (smart phones, thankfully I don't have one!), Facebook, Twitter, etc. He didn't say Pinterest, but I am sure if he knew about it, he would have! :) The computer is where I waste my time. I don't waste it watching tv or playing games or even reading books. If I am wasting time, I am at my computer. The general authority said that wasting time is a lot like being idle. Which I completely agree with. If you're wasting time, you're not getting things done.

There is so much to do in this world. There is so much to do to prepare us for exaltation. There is always someone to serve, someone to help, something to learn, something to teach, someone to love, etc. He also said a quote by Elder Uchtdorf, "Love is spelled T.I.M.E." How true is that?

We need to be masters of time management. It is absolutely important as a member of the LDS church. The general authority said that we need to prioritize our time as well. Family, Church, Work are very important things. I kind of sighed a sigh of relief when he said work because I have to do it from home. I don't believe I work excessively, but I do think that since I work a lot on the computer, I allow myself to get distracted and my time at the computer is compounded. I think maybe if I allow myself 30 minutes in the morning to check my email, blogs, facebook, pinterest, etc. and another hour at night, I should be good. And when I am on the computer for blogging purposes for work, I need to keep it at that. If I do this, I will have a much happier (and easier to handle) child and a cleaner house, that's for sure! Also I will have more time to fulfill things that will actually lift me up and give me strength such as prayer, scripture study, and service.

Time management is absolutely necessary and this leads me to the next talk that I enjoyed.

The next talk was on repentance. Repentance is something that I know of very deeply. I have had trials that I worked through with my bishop and have never felt so close to the Lord as I did then. I know what it is to repent and how to do it. I know the wonderful feeling it brings and how much peace it brings. In the many years since, I haven't felt like I am a person that NEEDS to repent. Of course we repent of little things during the Sacrament on Sundays, but I haven't needed to kneel down and repent heavily in prayer. Or so I thought.

I put this talk and the time management talk together. Since my time management skills are lacking, it is affecting my responsibilities as a wife and mother. I feel like I need to repent of the times that I let Ryan watch tv for an hour so I could catch up on Facebook, blogs, etc. An hour! Time is so precious with our little ones. I am not saying he shouldn't watch any tv, I am saying that I do this way too often. I want my time on the computer and some times I want him to leave me alone and do his own thing. I know most mothers have felt this way at one time or another. Just because it's normal doesn't mean it's okay. It's okay to have the feeling, but not okay to act on it, right? I feel like after listening to this talk, I need to repent of my sins. I am a mother of a wonderful two year old who needs me. He looks up to me to assist him in ALL of his needs. How am I doing? Am I doing my best? That's all that is asked of me in this calling of Motherhood and I am so sad to say that I am not. Not even close. I feel absolutely terrible about it.

Next is to repent. And repent until I feel that I have been forgiven and that I don't repeat this sin again. That is huge. Very huge. Especially since I still have that addicted feeling towards these social media sites. But if I confide in my Heavenly Father and ask for help, he will help me. He will lead me, guide me, and then walk beside me. What a wonderful gift.

I feel so loved during this conference. I know that I am a daughter of a Heavenly Father who loves me. A Father who heard my sincere prayer to find inspiration in the talks I hear this conference. He really delivered on his part. Now I just have to be sure to deliver on mine.

I bear my testimony that we are children of a Father in Heaven who loves us. That Jesus Christ loves us with a love that we might not comprehend. This is his true church and I know that the men and women who spoke today are servants of Him and I know the words they spoke are true. I felt it. I am so grateful for the gospel in my life, and for the atonement. That I can repent and be made a better person. And I know that there will be so much joy in the months that come as I go through this process. We are so loved. In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.

No Motivation

Last week I skipped one day.

One day turned into "why bother working out since I was going to Bear Lake and going to eat a lot anyway."

Then Brady decided to start waking up in the middle of the night again. Twice. At the same time, Ryan decided to start waking up at 7 am.

Let's just say I am tired.
And during the kids' nap time, I want to sleep too.

I know I need to be better. I know that I have so much to do and I can't do it unless I make a commitment everyday.

So here is my confession of my slacking off. I know I shouldn't wait for a good night's sleep, but hopefully tonight is the night. :) And I'll be back to working out tomorrow.

My First "Run"

I went running today!

This is huge news! :)

I finally got the new jogging stroller out of our front hallway. Once I put the kids in, I realized that one of the tires is a little flat so that made it a little harder to push. Because of this, I didn't run. I just went speed walking around my neighborhood. I went twice in the circle. We were gone for about 45 minutes. Not too bad, right?!

Ryan loved it! He loved pointing things out. When we walked by some houses that back our house, Ryan saw our back yard and exclaimed, "There's my HOUSE!" He was so happy to see our house! haha. I love him.

Brady did really well too! It was fun and I'm glad I went.
I just need to find someone with a bike pump. :)

My jogging stroller is AWESOME!

The sun shade moves so I can block the sun from going in the kids' eyes. Brilliant!

When we were all done, Ryan was all thumbs up.
Here is him saying, "Thumbs up, Dude!"

Next time I go will be either Saturday or Tuesday.

Oh and I'm also deciding to stop eating sweets for 5 weeks. I am just trying to decide if I want to stop today or tomorrow. I've already licked the lid off of Ryan's chocolate pudding. :)

On The Road Again...

I am back on the road to being fit!!

I started working out last week and have worked out for over a week now! Yay!

I am pretty proud of myself for sticking with it despite everything else going on. The only thing I need to do now is start running. I plan on running tuesdays, thursdays, and some saturdays. I haven't done it yet because I want to run with the kids but Brady hasn't been waking up early enough. I think a lot of it is just an excuse. Now that I have been working out to my Lindsay Brin DVD, I'm more into the working out vibe and I think I will be able to start running tomorrow.

Well part of my road to being fit is posting pictures of myself!

I am much more motivated seeing pictures of me now than seeing pictures of me skinny. Seeing pictures of me now makes me want to pick up a weight and go running immediately! haha.

Here is a picture from the last time I worked out (before I got pregnant with my miscarriage baby) and at 9 months pregnant with Brady and 40 pounds heavier. :)

Here is my first postpartum picture.

This is a picture of me not flexing. I know now that you need to learn how to constantly be flexing your tummy and your body will get used to it. But this picture is a reminder of how it looks when I'm not doing that. :)

I am now 145 pounds and my goal weight is at least 125. I would like to be 140 in just 6 weeks, if not sooner. I'll update my pictures in three weeks and I hope we see progress! :)

LOVE

I found a pin on Pinterest about how to keep your marriage strong. Jared and I have a great marriage, but we don't put a TON of effort in it. And just like anything else, if you don't put a lot of effort into it, someday, it might fizzle. And even if it doesn't fizzle, it just won't be much fun! So these are some great suggestions to keep marriage strong and an important part of your life. Jared and I sat down and read these suggestions and came up with the ones we really wanted to work on.

• Life in general can make us tired, but sometimes we are trying to do too much and that makes us really tired. When we are really tired we don’t have the energy to “be together”. Assess your families life. Are there some things that you could cut out so you have more energy to be together. Be sure your family isn’t over scheduled. Activities are good, for you and your kids, but too many will mean your family is not getting stronger, instead you get weaker because there is no energy to spend with one another.

• Establish a bed time for your children, and stick with it. Not only will it be better for your children, but it will give you and your husband time to be together everyday. This alone time is very important when you are trying to establish “similar temperatures”.

• When you have time together at night because the kids have a bed time you stick with, spend that time talking. Turn off the television, turn off the computer and any other technological distractions and Talk. Remember when you were courting, when things were “how they used to be”. Remember when you fell in love? You probably talked a lot together. Try it again, only listen and learn as if it’s the first time, and don’t interrupt. You have to make time to do this on a daily basis. 15 minutes of talking daily is one of the surest ways to keep the two of you from “drifting apart”. 15 minutes doesn’t sound like much, but most (like 80%) of couples, don’t talk to one another for 15 minutes a day. Pay attention to one another the way you used to.

• Along these same lines, if you have a television in your bedroom, take it out. Let your bedroom be open to connection through words and touch.

• Go on dates. Weekly. Or at least every other week. Baby sitters are much less expensive than therapists. It is okay to leave the kids and go do something together. This sends a message to your children that your marriage is important. Hold hands, walk slow and enjoy being together. Treat each other with kindness and respect and you will feel the temperature rise as you spend time just the two of you. This can include a night away with one another. You can’t expect to retain feelings of love when you neglect your companionship.

• Find things you like to do together and do them. Don’t give up the things that made you so happy at the earlier phase of your marriage. Be intentional and do things together.

• Say hello and goodbye to one another. When your husband leaves for work, don’t just holler “bye” from the kitchen. Go to him, give him a kiss, an I Love You, and say goodbye. Connect the same way when he comes home. When you were dating I bet you wrapped your arms around him and wouldn’t let go. Do that again.

• Go to bed at the same time. Establish a nightly routine that allows you and your husband to climb into bed at the same time. Laugh and chat while you brush your teeth. This routine should happen every night if possible.

• This one is direct. For the next three months, you and your husband each commit to being intimate twice a week. You are responsible for initiating once, and your husband the other. When it’s your turn, set the mood, the place and the time, the agenda. When it’s your husbands turn, be a willing participant. You will quickly see that those two days of the week you may treat each other better than you did when you were first married. Set aside time and make it a priority.

• Don’t be so judgmental and hard on yourself. Let go of the thought that you don’t look like you did before you had kids, or when you were younger. Be comfortable and confident in your own skin. We are always hardest on ourselves. Relax and learn to love yourself.

• Make your bedroom a safe haven. I am so guilty of this one. If I am not careful, our bedroom becomes the dumping ground for everything undone. Especially unfolded laundry. I always think by putting it on the bed, it will force me to fold it before I go to sleep. Yeah, doesn’t always work. It is the last place in the house to get vacuumed and dusted. Our bedrooms should be a safe and comfortable place for our relationships. Make the bed everyday, don’t let it become the laundry room, and attend to it just like you do the rest of your house. It will make a big difference when you climb in to bed with your spouse each night.

Here are the ones we are working on:

Establish a bedtime for your children and stick with it!: We had been doing pretty badly with Ryan's bed time. We mean to get him to bed earlier but during the summer it's just been hard. So this suggestion really helped us commit to sticking with a set bed time.

Spend that time talking: We decided that this is really a great suggestion! We often put the kids to bed and go our separate ways, Jared playing games and me on the computer. We can still do these things, but we make sure to connect with each other and spend at least 15 minutes going over everything in the day.

Go on dates: We don't really feel that we can go weekly, so we decided to go every other week. And we can easily keep it pretty cheap. We just had our first date on Friday where we went to see Harry Potter, went to eat at Cafe Rio, and had dessert at Farrs Ice Cream. All for $15! We really planned ahead and got good deals. Our next date will be our anniversary! We're excited for that!

Don’t give up the things that made you so happy at the earlier phase of your marriage: We decided to read books together. We both like to read so sitting on the couch, cuddling, and reading books would be really nice. Some times we watch movies. Some times we play video games. But the reading will be more often and I think will be fun.

Say hello and goodbye to one another: We have been guilty of just saying Bye in the mornings without a kiss. We decided that no matter what we will kiss hello and goodbye. Ryan now wants kisses too! I'm glad to see we're rubbing off on him. :)

Go to bed at the same time: We hadn't been doing very well with this one. This one is so important because pillow talk is such a great way to connect at the end of the day. We also decided that along with this, we need to start going to bed at 11 pm. As you can see, it is now 12:14 am, we aren't doing a great job! :) We need to be lots better about our bed time.

Be intimate twice a week: When I read this, I thought that it was about once a week too many for me! Jared was pretty excited about this suggestion. I wasn't extremely excited, but what is funny is that I've done my job two weeks in a row and he hasn't done his. So nothing has changed much except for the fact that he can't say I refuse because I'm the only one initiating at this point. :) It makes me smile. When I read this, it just really hit home to me how important being intimate is. Even if you are too tired and don't put much into it, it's better to do it than put it off. It makes me wonder if a lot of people who fall out of love, do so because they have stopped being intimate. Of course that may not be the only reason, but it plays a huge part. I am going to try a lot harder and do my part. And quite honestly, it's been kind of fun knowing that I have to initiate. It definitely has made things a little more exciting.

Another thing we have decided to do is to have Family Home Evening once a week. If we don't get to it on Monday, we do it at the first possible opportunity. It's been really nice. We've done FHE twice so far and I know we'll continue doing it.

"Use your alone time to compliment one another and express gratitude for all your spouse does. Thank him for all the ways he supports your family. Tell your husband how you feel when he acknowledges all the hard work you do for him and for your children."

This last quote is something I need to work on. If I can do this better, we will definitely be on our way to being a lot happier and more "in love" like we were when we first got married.

It's been kind of exciting trying these new things and I know that they will be worth it.

FHE

We had family home evening tonight!

For the first time!

I found a website dedicated to 52 lessons for FHE for the whole year. The lessons have everything included in them so it was really easy to print and look over and do the lesson.

We sang I am a child of god, which is one of Ryan's favorite songs. Then we talked about how we are children of heavenly father and that heaven is far away. We talked about how heavenly father gave us all talents and stuff that we like and these things make us different and special. And that heavenly father gave us all of this because he loves us. Then Ryan drew himself... it was stinkin' cute!.. and glued activities he likes onto the paper. He loved this!

We also had family prayers tonight.

It was so nice. Even though the message was simple and Ryan was being a little grumpy, I totally felt the spirit. I felt my heart swell when I bore my testimony about how Heavenly Father loves us to Ryan.

Oh and an update about Facebook. I really do need it to keep in contact with people so what I did was go through and hide a lot of my friends. I hid the ones that I never comment on their stuff or they never comment on mine. I kept all of my friends in my neighborhood and ward and family members. And of course I kept my close friends that I never see, but talk to almost daily though Facebook. It has decreased the amount of time I spend on Facebook SO much! And I love it.

Since I am not on Facebook, today I cleaned the living room, swept the kitchen floor, vacuumed the living room, did some laundry, packed some 0-3 months clothes and put away the 3-6 months clothes, did all the mommy stuff and worked a ton today during ryan's nap. It was just nice to get some things done, especially the cleaning.

Church was interesting. I actually got more out of sacrament meeting than any other meeting. Usually I don't hear a word in sacrament because of Ryan and I find my uplifting messages in the other meetings.

I think Faith was the main thing I got from Sunday. Faith is something that I definitely need to work on. I don't rely on the Lord nearly as much as maybe I should. I am more of a think about it and then do what's best. If something is out of my hands, I accept the consequence, but ask the Lord for assistance being fully prepared for none to come. Is that being negative? I feel like if I "practice faith", I am just putting myself in a position to be let down or to be disappointed. For me, maybe, faith is just doing the best with what you're given? The story the speaker gave was about a pioneer woman who had a very hard life, but she endured and had faith in all things. In relief society, the lesson was about our different levels of willingness. One is to do things because you don't want the consequence, second is to do things because you want the reward, and third is to do things because you love Heavenly Father.

I didn't think this at the time, but I wonder if you can do all of them. Obviously, if you do something because you love Heavenly Father, you want the reward as well and you don't want the consequence. Maybe I missed the point of the lesson. The teacher asked us where we stand. And I stand in all three places a lot of the time. Say with tithing... that is my main vice right now. I do it because I don't want to burn in hell. You know it's "fire insurance." I also do it because I know that blessing come from paying your tithing. The one I am working on right now is accepting that everything we have isn't ours. It was given to us by Heavenly Father and all he asks is to give 10% back. I'd rather just give it to him because I love him and want to obey his commandments, not because the thought that it is all his.

We have been fortunate lately and I know it is because we paid our tithing. It is really hard for me, but I do it. I know we will be blessed and I also want to be obedient.

Sorry I am totally rambling, but it's after 1 am and I'm trying not to think much before I type. I really should be in bed right now! :) I guess this post has gotten a lot longer than I planned.

The main point I guess is that we are trying really hard to be better and I love that I can see it working. I will write more on it maybe tomorrow. It's a great feeling. :)

Facebook

I LOVE facebook. It is one of my favorite things. I love keeping tabs on people and sharing fun stuff.

But let's face it. It's not important and probably takes away more from my life than what it brings to it.

I am thinking about shutting it down. But like any addict, I feel extreme anxiety thinking about doing that.

I may just do it though.

Really I should shut down my internet, but that's just crazy. I need it for work and I need to blog. Therefore, we can't get rid of it.

But Facebook, your time may be coming...

Do You Feel Good Enough?

I am pretty sure that no one does and those who do feel like they are, probably aren't.

I am talking about the second coming.

We had a discussion in Sunday School (my first in a very long time!) and whether we are doing the things we should be to be prepared for the second coming and how if you are worthy enough to hold a temple recommend, you are worthy enough for the second coming.

(Side thought - we all talk about the second coming as a "someday". I know that I often say that I am not ready for the second coming, but really our own second coming could be any time if we were to pass away, so we can't really rely on the "someday".)

I was thinking that I hold a temple recommend, but I know I don't feel like I am good enough to stand in front of Jesus and know I've done all I can here.

Then I started thinking of all the things I should be doing. Praying more often, like morning and night and family prayers. Reading my scriptures and the Ensign. Going to the temple. Doing much more service. Holding family home evening. Looking for opportunities to enrich my soul.

My list is very long. But whose isn't? Anyway, I left Sunday School feeling pretty depressed and trying to find the motivation to actually make these changes in my life.

One of the things I know I can do is to be more Christlike. I need to look for opportunities to serve. I am usually pretty shy and scared and make excuses and I need to stop that. I also get too busy and forget to do the things on my list. So that is something I can really do.

Now sitting down to read scriptures is a much harder task. I was talking with the ladies at Bunco when one of them, a mother of teenagers, told me to stop feeling so bad about not being able to read my scriptures. She said that where I am at in my life right now just doesn't allow deep scripture study and pondering and that's okay.

She told me that I needed to write a scripture or a few scriptures around the house and make sure to look at them and ponder those through out the day. That that is just as good as sitting down and reading out of the scriptures, especially for where I am at right now.

Another friend told me that at a Relief Society meeting, I wasn't able to attend, Elder Nelson's wife said that being a mother is number one basically. If you're going to ignore your children so you can study the scriptures, you're missing the point.

Now I am not saying that it's bad to study the scriptures. If you're able to do it, yay for you! But maybe I need a more gradual approach and posting scriptures around the house is definitely the way to go. I think maybe we'll start doing family home evenings and Jared and I can pick two or three each and post them. I can't wait to start. :)

I guess one of the things I can do is prioritizing my days. I have been SO bad at this. I really need to write out a schedule for my day and stick to it. In this schedule, I can make sure I do something for someone else that day. Whether it be in the family or outside the home, whether it be a big act of service or just a kind word.

I really believe that being charitable and kind and loving to everyone is THE best quality of being Christlike. If I can achieve that, the other stuff will follow. I'd much rather be a person who helped people every day than one who sat down to read the scriptures for an hour a day. Some people may not have to choose, but at this time in my life I have to prioritize and I will focus on being a better person to my family, friends, and neighbors. And hopefully the scriptures I choose to focus on can help me with that. Also praying. I am really bad at praying and that is just something you really need to take advantage of. It is for US, not for Heavenly Father.

So I don't think I will ever feel good enough, but I hope that I will always be working on something to better myself and be worthy to stand at Christ's feet.

Balance

That is the most important thing to learn in life. If you can learn that, you can enjoy so many things. Unfortunately, babies throw balance WAY off and it takes awhile to find it again.

So wondering how I am doing on the weight loss?

Well terrible to say the least.

I CRAVE sweets and snacks like it's my job. And I have a crappy bladder so I think running is out for awhile. AND I have no idea how to work in a work out during the day, which leaves night time. I definitely think I can make it work, it will just be hard to fit it in. I shower at night any way, so if I can just get motivation to do it at night, I'll be good. But considering I am EXHAUSTED by nightfall, I just wonder how this will happen.

I feel defeated.

But I know I can do it, I just have to do it.

But balancing this with cleaning, parenting, and working is hard. I HAVE to work now to pay our bills and try to pay down our debts. I want to work 20 hours a week and last paycheck I only averaged about 13 hours, which is good, but I need more.

Brady is 2 months old today.
I should probably take some pictures of him.
You know what, I'll take some of him and of me sporting my mushy belly.
It will be great motivation. :)

Sorry I am all over the place with this post. That is just how my brain works now. And I am too tired to go back and proofread and make it better. I don't think any one even reads this any more so I'll do what I want. :)

I'm Back!!

Well soon I will be at least. :)

I don't know if any one still reads this blog, but I had Baby Brady 4 weeks ago and I'm about 2-3 weeks away from starting my weight loss journey again.

I have about 6 pounds to go before I hit my prepregnancy weight and then, of course, I am still working on getting under 130, and if possible, I'd love to be 125 or 120! So I'm going to work hard and hopefully get there by the end of the year.

I have all my DVD's from Moms Into Fitness and I got a jogging stroller for my birthday. I feel very prepared and can't wait to get started!

And I'll be posting a picture too. Ick, but you do what you gotta do to get motivated. :) I thought about taking a picture my first week after having the baby, but that's just depressing and unnecessary, right?

Anyway, two or three more weeks and I'll be posting. Yay!