Prayers

I admit that I am not a good pray-er. I want to be and I will do really good for a little bit and then get busy and hit the sack without thinking about it. We have been better with our family and food prayers, but my so important personal prayers are lacking.

What I need to do is have a pen and paper with me all day that is my prayer list. I think of things to pray for all day and then forget when I actually kneel down to pray. I want to improve my relationship with Heavenly Father and I know that through prayer and scripture study, it will come and in ways that will be wonderful.

But I have a question.

Since I am a poor pray-er, I don't know much about how prayers are answered. I know that if we have faith and it is God's will, it will be granted. But I don't understand it. Can you know something but not understand it?

Last night Brady woke up again and we tried letting him cry it out. Jared got up with him and tried to calm him down but as soon as he put him down the screams started again. I just started crying and thought, "I should pray."

I prayed for guidance in having him sleep through the night and pleaded that he would just sleep tonight. To give me some energy to figure out how I need to approach this.

He didn't stop crying.

After 45 minutes of the crying, I just went in and fed him. He went to sleep. And woke up again three hours later.

So I know that I shouldn't expect Heavenly Father to jump in and calm Brady down and get him to sleep the whole night, but on the other hand then what is faith? If he doesn't sleep through the night, am I lacking in faith? Or is it just that it isn't God's will? So confusing.

I just read this quote by Elder Deiter F. Uchtdorf on Pinterest:

“When our wagon gets stuck in the mud, God is much more likely to assist the man who gets out to push than the man who merely raises his voice in prayer—no matter how eloquent the oration.”

Which leaves me wondering again, which one am I? I am guessing the one sitting in the wagon. He probably was really tired as well. So I guess my pushing would be to read all these books finding the right technique for little Brady. Dang it, I may have answered my question. I really wanted to be the pusher just waiting for assistance. :)

This whole post may not make sense or may seem weird, but really, I am just tired. I am so tired. It is impossible to do the things I need to do with how much sleep I've been getting. Only if Ryan still napped! :) And when I am feeling emotions, writing it down really helps me process it. Which is why I have this blog, to write when I feel like it about anything I want.

I was just thinking about this and how I don't really know the answer. But maybe if I write it down it will come to me... you know tonight at around 1 am or 4 am when Brady wakes up. :) Or just maybe I will have a tender mercy of him sleeping through the night. Keeping my fingers crossed for either. :)

P.S. I wrote this post and then forgot to add the quote by Elder Uchtdorf, the reason for me even writing this post. :) And then it answered my question, but I didn't want to erase the other stuff, so it doesn't make a lot of sense, but I am not going to waste time moving things around. Anyone who reads this will just have to deal. Now to go to bed and still keep my fingers crossed. :)

Mothers Who Know Do Less

"Mothers who know do less. They permit less of what will not bear good fruit eternally. They allow less media in their homes, less distraction, less activity that draws their children away from their home. Mothers who know are willing to live on less and consume less of the world’s goods in order to spend more time with their children—more time eating together, more time working together, more time reading together, more time talking, laughing, singing, and exemplifying. These mothers choose carefully and do not try to choose it all. Their goal is to prepare a rising generation of children who will take the gospel of Jesus Christ into the entire world"- Julie B. Beck

I saw this quote on Pinterest a few days ago and it really hit home for me.

I always am trying to balance it all, juggling and constantly dropping the ball in one area or another.

You know what I did today? I woke up, took a shower, fed myself and the boys, ran to Brady's doctor appointment. Came home and put Brady down for his nap, made my meal plan and grocery list, paid all our bills, somewhere in there I gave Ryan a snack. Brady woke up, fed him and then made lunch for all of us and we ate. Then we left to go grocery shopping and came home with a cranky baby. Tried to put Brady down for a nap, but he wasn't having it! Screamed for 1 1/2 hours before finally falling asleep. Worked for about 1 hour of that screaming. Finally started getting dinner ready. Played with Ryan and worked while it cooked. We ate, Jared came home, I went to the store really quick, came home gave baths and put the boys to bed. What a day! And it's pretty much like this everyday right?

I did this all with going to bed at 1:30 am, being woken up by a screaming baby at 2:30, again at 5:30, and then Ryan woke up for the day at 7:30 am.

I feel terrible. And do I feel like I got so much stuff done today? No because my house is a complete mess, toys are EVERYWHERE, clean and dirty laundry is everywhere, dishes haven't been done in two days (although, they are rinsed off ready to go in the dishwasher on the counter, I just need to EMPTY the dang thing first), I really should clean my bathrooms since it has been a very long time since I have done that and I have a standing up potty trained boy. I also have all my decorations from New Beginnings on my work desk, just waiting to be taken down the basement.

Now I am not saying that I failed, I just look at the house and it doesn't make me feel like, "Yay! What a wonderful day. I got so much done." So inside I feel like I didn't do enough.

And I don't know why it should ever make me feel like that. I wish I could look at this mess and say, "What a fun day we had!" And feel good that I didn't choose to do it all. That I played with Ryan instead of folding laundry. And if I want to do those things, to involve him and teach him. That's what this mom thing is all about!

I need to work on that. :)

Anyway! What I am trying to say is I look at others saying "How do they do it all?" Keep clean houses, play with their kids all the time, keep themselves looking so cute, doing their callings, doing great service, writing craft blogs, etc. Well they don't. Either they don't choose to do it all, or if they do choose to do it all, they are letting the ball drop in different areas every day.

Now which sounds less stressful? Choosing to do less or ball dropping?

Choosing to do less for the win!

I have realized this over the last couple weeks and am in the process of making my life easier. Hopefully. And it may take some time and energy before it switches over, but I can't wait! And it would be really nice if Brady just started sleeping through the night during that time. :)

I choose to do less. I will not feel guilty about not doing it all any more. I want to be available to raise my children well. I want them to have my focus. This will also give me quality "me" time, which is so important for a mother. My "me" time isn't great right now, and I know I will feel better when it is.

I just wanted to share this quote with you. I wanted it written down so I can look back and be reminded of it if my life starts going crazy again.

There is nothing more important to me than my family and this gospel. I know that as I choose to do less, we will be blessed.

The full talk can be found here.

Tired

Ever feel like you're being pulled in so many directions that you're not able to be good at anything?

I used to think that I did my best when I was super busy. I also thought that the only thing I did really well was my job, but even now that's starting to slump. I'm just so tired.

I feel like something is wrong with me. I just don't know how to get out of this funk. When I think about doing things, almost anything, I just procrastinate, hoping it never comes.

The first thing I want to be better at is being a wife. I've been a terrible wife lately. All naggy and not very supportive. What husband does well under that?

I also have been stinking at my main job, being a mom. Ryan drives me CRAZY! And I know part of that is not spending good quality time with him. The other part is I am just tired. When you're tired, patience is thin.

Cleaning in my house is pretty much non-existent. I do laundry when it needs to be done. I wipe down the counters and table every day and I do dishes every day. That's about it. This house needs a good vacuuming and mopping and bathroom cleaning.

For work, I am three projects behind. I am also two videos behind. I am also giving up doing the blog advertising to someone else because I just know that I am not doing as good as I should be. Right this very moment, I should be working, making a cute hanging decoration for our front door, but I just want to sleep. But I can't sleep because I should start making dinner.

The only thing that I am consistent at right now is making dinner. We have a good dinner every night. We eat at 7 pm usually, but at least we eat and we eat at the table.

I just hate this funk. I don't feel like myself at all. There is so much I want to do, but I just can't make myself do it. I used to get so mad at Jared when he would act this way. I couldn't understand it at all. Now I feel bad, because I understand and it's miserable.

Is something wrong with me? Is it just Stay-At-Home-Mom blues? When will it pass over? Because I'd really like to be myself again.

Tried and Failed... Or Did I?

I decided one day that the way to spend less time on the computer was to not allow myself to get on until the house was cleaned. And when Brady was awake, I would spend time with both the boys. Well I wasn't getting on the computer until after lunch. Which isn't terrible. But for some reason, the time I thought I would be spending cleaning was spent just with the boys. That isn't terrible either. So everything should be wonderful right?

Well after three days of this I found myself an emotional wreck. I asked Jared to come home early one day because I just couldn't take it. Ryan and I were bickering. (Trying to potty train may have had something to do with it.) But mostly I was DYING for some time to myself.

Later I wondered if I NEED my 5 minute break here and there on the computer. That that is what gets me through the day. Then I thought... or maybe it's just my addiction showing through. And then I thought... really? I can look at this situation without trying to make myself feel guilty, right? Being on the computer isn't like an addiction to drugs or alcohol. It brings me something that every human being needs. A break here and there! :) And a way to connect to others when I am holed up in the house with a potty training toddler.

The next day I went back to my old ways and it was one of the best days I had in awhile. I got a lot more done than I had the previous days, Ryan and I got along wonderfully, and I was happy.

Some people say our first priority is our children. Others say our first priorities should be ourselves and then our children. That if mom isn't happy, then how could she help her children be happy. I never understood that until last week. It is SO true!

I am not saying that I am perfect with my time management, but it seems to me that letting myself get on facebook or check a blog once every couple hours keeps my sanity in check, which makes me happier and helps everyone around me be happier.

Who knew? :)

Conference

I LOVE conference!

And I really really really needed it.

I was fortunate that Ryan takes a nap in the afternoon so I could really listen to the afternoon session.

I have been thinking for awhile that I miss how close I was to the Lord when I was in college before I was married. I almost wished for a trial so I could have the need to reach out to Him. Then in church the other day I realized that I do.

I am not saying that this need is a trial, but I do need my Heavenly Father. Motherhood is something extremely difficult to say the least. Throw in a 2 1/2 year old with endless energy and smarts that drive you crazy and you are in awe off and it's hard.

I've told people that I've been defeated for awhile. I have had lots of book recommendations (which, it's the beginning of the month so I can get my hands on some!) and full intentions of reading them and trying some strategies out.

But what I realized in church is that Motherhood isn't just taking care of a child. It is a calling that has been bestowed on us by Heavenly Father. Books are great, but I need to be going to my Heavenly Father for direction. I need to be sharing with him all my thoughts and feelings. I need to be praying more often, reading the scriptures more often, serving more often. Doing things that can bring me closer to the Lord so I can be ready for guidance in this amazing calling.

In conference today there was a talk by a general authority. He said that in hard times we shouldn't be looking down, discouraged, but upwards towards our Father in Heaven. For in him we may find peace, strength, and joy in whatever comes our way. He had been feeling the burden of being a general authority. He was heading down the elevator with his head down. The door opened and a man walked in. The general authority didn't even look up. Just kept his head down. Just then President Monson asked the general authority what he was looking at on the floor? The general authority said, "Oh, nothing." President Monson then said, "In times like these, we need to be looking upward." Then he left the elevator. (Of course I am totally paraphrasing this story! :)

It's such a basic concept, but I truly have lost it since becoming a mother. I am so tired at night that I roll into bed. And in the morning, I don't get out of bed until one of the kids is screaming for me. Prayers just don't seem right then. But these are just excuses. And I've realized that excuses do not excuse activities that bring us closer to the Lord. We NEED him. These excuses would be made lighter if we did these things that we are trying to excuse.

Anyway, I kind of went off on a tangent, but my point is that I went into this conference with a prayer in my heart that I could be taught more about motherhood and what I should do. I had four talks that really touched me in just one session. I missed two other talks so there could have been more. :)

In the first session, Ryan was awake and I didn't get much of anything. I had to go upstairs and feed Brady and missed the announcement of the temples, which was such a bummer! I can't believe the Provo Tabernacle is being rebuilt as a temple! Two temples in Provo and one coming in Payson. Absolutely amazing. Ryan was being rambunctious (upset that I had the TV on for me and it wasn't playing MarioKart), but at the end, the Tabernacle Choir sang "I am a Child of God." I had tears streaming down my face. We sing this song so often, but the words "Lead me, Guide me, Walk beside me. Help me find the way. Teach me all that I must do to live with him someday," really touched my heart. I am yearning for that guidance and that support. I know that if I ask and if I prepare myself to receive such blessings, it will happen. I had this warm feeling still with me when the second session started.

First I heard a talk on Parenthood. It was something that softened my heart. This speaker talked about how it is a commandment to multiply and replenish the earth. The choice to have children is only made between a man, woman, and the Lord. We should never judge others' choices in these matters. I admit that I may have said something about how close people have their children or how they could even afford them or how they may afford them but only because of government help. In the past, this had made me upset. But now I realize that these are means which help children come into the world. I'm not saying people should have tons of babies and never get out of poverty, but that I need to trust that people have their own revelations and it is certainly not my place to judge them.

Also from this talk was a quote from President Monson. He said that in times when a couple has to scrimp and save is one of the best time of their life. They learn and go to their Heavenly Father for support and build strong testimonies during this time of trial. Jared and I waited to have children until we were done with school. I don't regret that decision. I know that if we were supposed to have children earlier, we would have. If we did, we would have had to work harder and be more grateful for smaller things. And who is to say that is bad?

This also gave me perspective on our circumstances now. School loans and car debt weigh heavily on us. "If only..." is a phrase we use often. :) We have done everything we can to increase our payments, but it will be awhile before they are all paid off. We get to the end of the month and ask, "Where did all our money go?" We don't feel we are excessive in our spending, but perhaps we really need to cut back. We have decided to start a cash budget. This will be for things that we certainly don't NEED so when we run out of the cash, we're done. It's going to be very interesting! :) We will save money in the beginning of the month and hopefully we won't run out of money by the end. If we do, then we need to cut some things that might not be needs. We have faith that if we set up the budget and follow it, being accountable to each other, we'll be okay. We will grow from this.

Amazing what you can get out of a talk on Parenthood, right? :)

The next talk was on time. This general authority was speaking directly to me. I have not been very good at managing my time. I do farely well, but with how busy I am, I need to be a lot better. Sometimes the things that are most important in my life are lower on my priority list. Lately Ryan will come up to me on the computer, pull on my arm, and say, "Mom, stop working!" That just breaks my heart. I still need to work, but the free time that I do have needs to be spent with more focus on him.

This general authority directly talked about phones (smart phones, thankfully I don't have one!), Facebook, Twitter, etc. He didn't say Pinterest, but I am sure if he knew about it, he would have! :) The computer is where I waste my time. I don't waste it watching tv or playing games or even reading books. If I am wasting time, I am at my computer. The general authority said that wasting time is a lot like being idle. Which I completely agree with. If you're wasting time, you're not getting things done.

There is so much to do in this world. There is so much to do to prepare us for exaltation. There is always someone to serve, someone to help, something to learn, something to teach, someone to love, etc. He also said a quote by Elder Uchtdorf, "Love is spelled T.I.M.E." How true is that?

We need to be masters of time management. It is absolutely important as a member of the LDS church. The general authority said that we need to prioritize our time as well. Family, Church, Work are very important things. I kind of sighed a sigh of relief when he said work because I have to do it from home. I don't believe I work excessively, but I do think that since I work a lot on the computer, I allow myself to get distracted and my time at the computer is compounded. I think maybe if I allow myself 30 minutes in the morning to check my email, blogs, facebook, pinterest, etc. and another hour at night, I should be good. And when I am on the computer for blogging purposes for work, I need to keep it at that. If I do this, I will have a much happier (and easier to handle) child and a cleaner house, that's for sure! Also I will have more time to fulfill things that will actually lift me up and give me strength such as prayer, scripture study, and service.

Time management is absolutely necessary and this leads me to the next talk that I enjoyed.

The next talk was on repentance. Repentance is something that I know of very deeply. I have had trials that I worked through with my bishop and have never felt so close to the Lord as I did then. I know what it is to repent and how to do it. I know the wonderful feeling it brings and how much peace it brings. In the many years since, I haven't felt like I am a person that NEEDS to repent. Of course we repent of little things during the Sacrament on Sundays, but I haven't needed to kneel down and repent heavily in prayer. Or so I thought.

I put this talk and the time management talk together. Since my time management skills are lacking, it is affecting my responsibilities as a wife and mother. I feel like I need to repent of the times that I let Ryan watch tv for an hour so I could catch up on Facebook, blogs, etc. An hour! Time is so precious with our little ones. I am not saying he shouldn't watch any tv, I am saying that I do this way too often. I want my time on the computer and some times I want him to leave me alone and do his own thing. I know most mothers have felt this way at one time or another. Just because it's normal doesn't mean it's okay. It's okay to have the feeling, but not okay to act on it, right? I feel like after listening to this talk, I need to repent of my sins. I am a mother of a wonderful two year old who needs me. He looks up to me to assist him in ALL of his needs. How am I doing? Am I doing my best? That's all that is asked of me in this calling of Motherhood and I am so sad to say that I am not. Not even close. I feel absolutely terrible about it.

Next is to repent. And repent until I feel that I have been forgiven and that I don't repeat this sin again. That is huge. Very huge. Especially since I still have that addicted feeling towards these social media sites. But if I confide in my Heavenly Father and ask for help, he will help me. He will lead me, guide me, and then walk beside me. What a wonderful gift.

I feel so loved during this conference. I know that I am a daughter of a Heavenly Father who loves me. A Father who heard my sincere prayer to find inspiration in the talks I hear this conference. He really delivered on his part. Now I just have to be sure to deliver on mine.

I bear my testimony that we are children of a Father in Heaven who loves us. That Jesus Christ loves us with a love that we might not comprehend. This is his true church and I know that the men and women who spoke today are servants of Him and I know the words they spoke are true. I felt it. I am so grateful for the gospel in my life, and for the atonement. That I can repent and be made a better person. And I know that there will be so much joy in the months that come as I go through this process. We are so loved. In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.

No Motivation

Last week I skipped one day.

One day turned into "why bother working out since I was going to Bear Lake and going to eat a lot anyway."

Then Brady decided to start waking up in the middle of the night again. Twice. At the same time, Ryan decided to start waking up at 7 am.

Let's just say I am tired.
And during the kids' nap time, I want to sleep too.

I know I need to be better. I know that I have so much to do and I can't do it unless I make a commitment everyday.

So here is my confession of my slacking off. I know I shouldn't wait for a good night's sleep, but hopefully tonight is the night. :) And I'll be back to working out tomorrow.

My First "Run"

I went running today!

This is huge news! :)

I finally got the new jogging stroller out of our front hallway. Once I put the kids in, I realized that one of the tires is a little flat so that made it a little harder to push. Because of this, I didn't run. I just went speed walking around my neighborhood. I went twice in the circle. We were gone for about 45 minutes. Not too bad, right?!

Ryan loved it! He loved pointing things out. When we walked by some houses that back our house, Ryan saw our back yard and exclaimed, "There's my HOUSE!" He was so happy to see our house! haha. I love him.

Brady did really well too! It was fun and I'm glad I went.
I just need to find someone with a bike pump. :)

My jogging stroller is AWESOME!

The sun shade moves so I can block the sun from going in the kids' eyes. Brilliant!

When we were all done, Ryan was all thumbs up.
Here is him saying, "Thumbs up, Dude!"

Next time I go will be either Saturday or Tuesday.

Oh and I'm also deciding to stop eating sweets for 5 weeks. I am just trying to decide if I want to stop today or tomorrow. I've already licked the lid off of Ryan's chocolate pudding. :)